Wow, I can’t believe I’m sitting here writing my 2nd entry on MY blog. With such a light subject on the first one, I thought I would follow up with a truly transparent look into WHO I AM to give you an idea why LIFE and THRIVING INTO MY DOPENESS mean so much to me.
When you hear the word “worry,” I believe the definition that comes to mind is something out of concern or out of love and care. The actual definition is, “The give away to anxiety; to allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.” (SMH) Just typing the word ANXIETY, I can feel my chest tighten up. This word has been a pain in my side since the day I found out that it was a mental hurdle and that I suffer from it. Being told when I was a child that I have a “stank” attitude, but not once did anyone ever ask me, “What’s wrong?” Was very counterproductive. I believe that was the death of my self-worthiness, and it would take me years to find it again. I always felt that I was left to figure life out on my own. In the household I grew up in, I felt invisible, and that wasn’t very important. This started me on a lonely and emotional path filled with some not-so-great visions of myself. Okay, HOLD UP! Let me get back on the subject.
“A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work”
My worry has been my friend, enemy, and downfall since I was 7 years old. Now, for me to sit here as a 36-year-old and to do the math, that’s a hellava a long time to think that you’re not worthy. I grew up confiding in my worry/anxiety over the years. I mean, since all the grownups were at each other’s head, I became my own best friend. I felt like my worry was protecting me from everything that meant me harm. I was Miss “I have a gut feeling,” looking back, it wasn’t a gut feeling at all. It was just my anxiety letting me know that my place in this world would forever be emotionally alone but always emotionally available for others. Walking around in a constant state of worry in an unpredictable world made my minor crazy seem crazy as hell. One of my most significant issues with how I dealt with my worry is that I always trusted it and never asked any questions for clarity or ever thought that maybe I’m not that bad of a person. Nope, I would just exist in the fog of worry filled with overreaction, anger, isolation, and/or blame. Let me let you in on a bit of a secret a person that deals with anxiety that may seem cold. WE FEEL EVERYTHING to the core, and it can actually make us feel physical pain and this intense feeling of wanting to die just to make that pain go away. It never hit me until I was grown that this thing would interfere with my daily life and relationships.
“Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe! You’re strong. You got this. Take it day by day.”
I would belittle myself for not being able to turn it off. To just Stop! I promise you that if it wasn’t for my granny I would not be here; she saved my life and she doesn’t even know it. I genuienly believe that the only reason I didn’t kill myself is because I couldn’t make her sad. But everyone else, I wholeheartedly thought I didn’t care. I would try to justify my dangerous thoughts with “They will be sad on the day I do it and maybe holidays.” I truly felt in myn heart that their 3/4 days of sad was an even trade for me to end my 365 days of sad. This was such an unhealthy way to not deal with shit and let my life be a sponge to my own toxic thoughts. It’s crazy when you’re living in this kind of fog you will justify anything and everything. I would harbor situations, alter the story in my head, and I would always make myself out to be the bad guy.
- You deserved that hurt!
- You deserve to be alone!
- You don’t deserve to be here!
These were the statements I said to myself that almost led ME to take ME away…
The root to our human frustration and daily anxiety is our tendency to live for the future, which is an abstraction”
How can I live with my anxiety and can anyone love me?
This was one of the questions I started to ask myself at the beginning of my healing. I had never asked myself such questions I knew that something was shifting inside of me. I have worked so hard every day to pull myself out of a that constant state of worry. I had to figure out my triggers and get an understanding of why they are my triggers in the first place. I also had to accept that I feel emotions deeper than most people and that it doesn’t have to be a dreadful thing. I just need to learn how to protect myself a little more, even if it’s from myself. I had to get to the bottom of my “why”. Why do I care so deeply for others that bluntly don’t care for me? I needed to figure out why I’m so gentle with everyone but myself. I needed to figure out why I will go above and beyond for people but will be so accepting of the bare minimum for myself. It’s like I had this overwhelming feeling that I didn’t want to be alone so I would take any form of love given to me. Since I know how it feels when you feel unloved, I would try my best to make sure the people close to me would always feel an abundant amount of unquestionable love. Then, I would turn around and believe with my whole heart that I wasn’t worthy of the same. But why? Like, who abandoned me in the love department that I would be ok with being unhappy and unfullfilled. My husband would always say to me “You can be so critical” and of course I would get defensive, then after a bad anxiety attack and the death of my grandmother, it hit me. I’m not critical because I think he isn’t good enough; I’m actually being belittling because I don’t think I deserve him, his love, or our happiness. I guess it’s easier to say “I knew you were gonna leave me” instead of “I pushed you away”.
These last 7/8 months I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve learned that I’m worthy of the same kind of love that I put out in the universe. Now don’t get me wrong I have hurt some people that i genuinly loved and I wish I could give them all the apology they deserve. I wish I would have been more open and trusting because I truly believe hurt people will hurt people. I can be a really tough person to love. Through therapy, talking, and finally confiding in the people that love me, I have really begun to love life and have the strength to fight for it. On this journey, I haven’t experienced a negative thing from being vulnerable, which is funny because I have been fighting vulnerability my whole life.
You have to find your reason to live and to LOVE life. That reason can’t be for anyone other than YOU. YOU have not to want to die, YOU have to want to be free of your toxic thoughts, and YOU have to want to experience the feeling of loving yourself with your whole heart.
The moment you start the journey of healing the sun shines differently and you can actually hear the sound of life on this earth and it will make you smile from your heart…
Tips on how to start your journey to heal…
THERAPY– Please get with a therapist or a counselor that you connect with, and that can help you get to the bottom of your “why.” They can help you decipher through your past story so you can focus on your future informed. This can help you be accepting of who YOU are and who you were!
ACKNOWLEDGMENT- Being honest but not brutal with yourself is an excellent start to falling in love with you and the unique way you love. Finding out who you are, your flaws, accepting the things that make you who you are, acknowledging the things you need to work on, and accepting your story even if it’s not the greatest. You have to love yourself and want to be around YOU because if you can’t hang out with you, why should anyone else.
VULNERABILITY– You have to be honest with the people that love you and stop being toxic to the people that genuinely want to be around you. Be open! Tell them about yourself, about your day to day struggles, share your story, let them see YOU, let them be there for you, and let them love you the best way they know how without push back. Know that if they truly love you they will be there to cheer on your growth, but if they dip out just know that they weren’t worthy of your precence anyway. This is about you showing yourself that you’re capable of love and worthy of being loved.
MEDITATE– SAT YOSELF DOWN somewhere quietly and breathe for 30 minutes. You have to go beyond your mind and experiences. Find that inner place that is filled with peace, happiness, and bliss. Meditation can help calm you, diminish stress or pain, help get you through a crisis, can help you in the middle of a panic attack, and allows you to find a spiritual balance.
FIGURE OUT YOUR TRIGGERS– Figuring out your triggers and how they affect you can be the most liberating part of all this because it can help you not feel so NOT in control. Now, you can’t truly avoid all of your triggers but you can be prepared and not let them overwhelm you. You will notice when you’re approaching an unavoidable trigger and implement the things that calm you so you can stay in control. You can grab your journal, your bible, your favorite affirmations, and breathe through it. Eventually what used to cause you pain and anxiety attacks will no longer make you stumble, it will just show you just how strong you really are.
MEDICATION– Medication is NOT the enemy! If you’re in a place that you can’t pull yourself out of, or the fog gets too thick. Please seek help and discuss medications with your doctor and loved ones.
I had to find my worthiness and speak up for myself, SO DO YOU! We have to always demand well-balanced “ships” in our lives with family and friends. We have to move with a genuine heart, so our space is always protected. We may not be able to rid ourselves of worry and anxiety but what we can do is take away the power and control it has over us. If we take off the cover that we have put over suicide it wouldn’t be able to run rampant in our society anymore. Suicide thrives around us because the people that battle it feel ashamed, and shame makes them keep secrets. We have to know that we deserve to experience that feeling of unquestionable love… WE ALL DESERVE IT!!!!!